Learning to Just Be
Letting go of fitting in and choosing belonging without losing myself.
Wanting to Fit In
I used to want to fit in when I was younger. Growing up, I noticed the girls with more popularity were usually prettier than me, sometimes lighter than me. I felt this the most in middle school, and I’m not sure at what point I began to care less, but slowly but surely, I did.
Maybe it was when my best friend at the time would join in on laughs and jokes about me being “dark skin.”
Maybe it was when her and I would hang out with her lighter friend and I still felt like an outsider.
I’m not sure, but at some point, I decided I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be associated with mean girl energy because that is simply not who I am and not who I was raised to be.
Learning I Didn’t Need To Belong Everywhere
In high school, I didn’t try to fit in. I noticed the cliques form almost immediately during freshman year, but I never belonged to one group. I have always been a person who gets along with almost everybody, and that I did.
But I also remember eating lunch alone a lot, honestly preferring it. I felt more comfortable being to myself than around people I didn’t feel aligned with. That’s not to say I didn’t have friends, because I did, but they had other friends who, I guess you could say, they connected with more than me at the time.
Discovering Community
I’m 32 now, and I still don’t want to fit in. Do I want to feel a sense of belonging? Yes. I enjoy community. I enjoy talking to people and getting to know people. I always have. It’s why I always wanted to become a writer, and even now why I want to build my own wellness community.
Well, building my wellness community connects to healing the younger version of me because my overall mission and intention is to help others heal inside and out and hold space for others to be themselves rawly and not an edited version of themselves, but true and authentic.
When I was younger, I was part of a program called Girls Today and Leaders Tomorrow. I refer to it a lot because it was a wonderful experience for me, but at first, I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t understand its purpose, but that program showed me the positive aspects of community and what it means to have a positive impact on someone else’s life. That program granted me my first opportunity on TV and delivering a public speech at the closing gala that was held, opportunities I would have missed had I not joined in the first place.
Were there still cliques? Yes, but I was beginning to understand, and maybe this was when I stopped caring about them because cliques forming is inevitable… but I have the free will to decide if that is for me or not, and I found, well… it isn’t.
I didn’t realize it then, but through reflecting now, what stuck with me was community, and that was what I sought to be a part of and eventually build.
It’s why I joined a book club this year and why I appreciate my products being sold at a Black-owned plant shop in Philly called Plant & People.
Becoming More Myself
I love community. I love community building, but not at the expense of being someone that I am not. It took me a long time to become comfortable with all of who I am: from my physical appearance to my personality traits to my personal values.
In this season of life, in my year of becoming, I’m continuing to shed past beliefs and get even more comfortable and vulnerable with myself.
This looks like me speaking up for myself and setting boundaries when needed.
Apologizing when necessary.
Holding myself accountable for my words and actions.
Acknowledging when I’m stressed or irritable and checking it instead of projecting.
I’m not perfect, nor do I wish to be perfect. But in order for me to belong anywhere, I first have to just…be.
If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear your experience. Feel free to reply to this post, leave a comment, or share it with someone who may need the reminder that as long as we have breath, we have options.
thank you for sharing 🤎